Where to begin?

I have a chronic condition; a limiting illness; a disability.  I have fibromyalgia.  

What I really have, I think, is a disease of accumulated stress.  I have ignored all of those warnings you hear about 'down time', 'looking after yourself' and 'relaxation' and managed to get myself to a place where I just can't function in my normal life anymore.  

I am a warning to others I suppose.  

I honestly think modern life and the values that are sold to us as desirable are very damaging.  The expectations of what makes 'success', the pressure on everyone to have it all: the career, the family (including the healthy, adult relationship at the centre of that), the fit, attractive body, the money, the interesting hobbies that give us a sparkling social media output.  I bought into all of that, thanks to an adolescence of glossy magazines and too much television.  People who know me might be surprised to read this, as I don't appear to have much of any of it now.  Believe me, the intention was always there, but I was regularly thwarted by a combination of life and trying too hard.

I suppose each time I didn't quite get one of those things, it was another little chip off my soul, another little failure to achieve something that I was 'supposed' to have.

The model of perfection doesn't include a 2 times post C-section body, disabled children, a child with cancer, a money-pit house that will take years to repair, debt, a career hard won but challenging - sucking time and energy - with little opportunity for a woman who has to contend with all of those things listed above.  Yet I tried.  I pushed through it.  I was 'strong'.  I wanted to succeed.  I wanted all those things you are suppose to have for my family.  I continued to bash my head against that great big wall of personal achievement.

How foolish.  

Reading this back, it is now easy to see how I could end up here, sitting on my sofa when I should be going to work, signed off and facing a written warning, hardly able to function.  This is the first time in over a week I have been able to look at a computer screen and type.

I am depressed.  I'm not going to lie.  The depression is secondary, I think, to the pain and lethargy.  I am too tired to do anything, it is frustrating at first but then I become more and more listless until I stop caring.  Everything is a mess but I am too sore and tired to pull myself up, dust myself down and do something about it.

The other thing I do is eat.  I eat because I am bored, because I am depressed.  I have turned into a sugar monster when I don't even have a sweet tooth!  I have put on 21lbs in the last few months with no signs of it abating.

And the worse thing?  I have turned into one of those people, digging for sympathy, self-pitying and hopeless.

This is not what I want my life to be.

The first thing I need to do is reassess.  Obviously, the original plan is not working for me.  I need a different life.  This is a transition moment.  It is sink or swim.

Areas that need to be dealt with:

Health
Relationships
Work
Money
Interests
Home

Health: First and foremost.  If you don't put it first, something will force you to.  I have learned this - it was always the bottom of the list.

Relationships: Everyone in the family suffers when someone is unwell.  I know my children are worried.  This is not good.

Work:  The most worrying one as I can't afford not to work.  I've always worked full time and my work is a large part of my identity.
  
Money:  Linked to work.  We have some debt, we have things we want to do.  If I lose all or part of my income it will be a massive change for us.

Interests: Because of overwork, I have none.  This is a problem.  There is nothing to me other than job and home.  I don't even have friends.

Home: A huge mess with even more work needed.  A hurdle too big to contemplate at the moment.  It is difficult to be on it when your body says no.

I think what this blog will be is a way of trying to do it differently, of seeing if a person can change and whether it is possible to really enjoy life with chronic illness.

To be honest, I'm not sure I can claim to have really enjoyed life before chronic illness.  

This is me, seeking solutions and purpose.